afternoon shift this week... booo... last week wif rebec... haiz... starting 1st of july i wont be having the same shift wif her... oh god.. i m so sad..

everyday was practically fussing over wat to eat for dinner.. haha.. n i think i ate alot of subways this week.. but it stil taste veri nice haha..

my colleagues pop a question for mi..
if there are two guys.. one veri rich with poor character.. one veri poor but with good character.. which one will i choose?
haha.. seriously i dont know.. but they told mi to choose the one that is rich with poor character..
bcos even guys with good character will bound to change.. only money will not change..
omg.. i nearly fainted when i heard their ans.. but somehow or rather its true la.. muahahha..

ytd night after work.. i went down to zouk.. met up wif jr, his fren, wee, peiqi, her fren n lucas outside.. went in to look for rh n his fren.. the music was not bad tt night.. n the crowd was ok.. n we 3 girls managed to get onto the platform.. i was quite turn off by a girl on the platform.. she started to dirty dance wif mi.. -_-

ok... things happened there again.. i felt his hug after these few mths.. i can feel that he is trying to be close to mi.. i admit i am starting to get playful once again.. i know i just wanna go out play.. but nevertheless, i know i stil have feelings for him.. i melted when he hug mi..

went over his place after tt.. cos his place nearer.. n i ko till this morning.. just in time to go to work..

i keep asking myself if i am doing the right thing..
if this r/s really deserve another chance..
i know i am scared to open myself up to him again..
i know i am tired.. too tired to do anything..
but yet.. my heart is stil with him... damn....

lastly.. my ITS colleagues at east coast ! all drenched wet from the rain.. heee..

Long time since i updated.. cant really remember wat i did for the past few weeks..

I was on morning shift for the past week.. nothing really much happened.. But i think basically i was out for the whole week..

Monday was ot for mi..

Tuesday i went to play pool with my colleagues..

Wednesday was also pool with them.. After which, i went down to town to meet up with lingzi and lyn.. ha! always fun meeting wif the girls.. three of us were shopping n gossiping.. after which, we went down to zouk to meet up with rh, wee, peiqi, cindy, lucas n rh's fren.. alright, the crowd sucks tt night.. too many ppl.. no chance to even get on the platform.. it sucks alright.. i slept less than 2 hrs..

Thursday was a tiring day for mi.. but i stil managed to keep myself alive.. haha.. after work i wanted to go home n rest.. but end up i went bugis shopping with peiqi, jr, rh, wee, spenc, hanz n lingzi.. so mani things i wanna buy!! when i get my pay.. i want to go there shopping !! haha.. after which, we went for a drink at breko.. by the time i reach home it was veri veri late alreadi.. i slept less than 4 hrs.. -_-

Friday, i nearly die at work.. cos i was super tired.. supposed to meet up wif the spenc they all.. but i was too tired... went lot 1 to wait for lucas cos i wanted to get the tent from him.. i was walking round in circles n circles.. decided to sit down at the mrt station to wait for him.. n i actualli fell aslp waiting there.. haha.. we went for dinner n he sent mi home..

Saturday was super slack day at work.. haha.. after which, we went down to tiong bahru to meet up wif jane n have our lunch.. macdonalds !! hee.. i love the curly fries.. took a cab down to east coast cos we going there camping !! idiot lo.. thru out the whole thing, it was raining.. n we bo bian had to stay in the tent.. went night cycling wif rebec.. it was so fun! haha..

Sunday.. since it was raining non stop.. we decided to call it off early.. n i had no where to go !! cos spenc they all were coming over in the afternoon to look for mi.. so i called spen n jr waking both of them up.. haha.. end up i went over to jr place n have a shower.. rh and wee came over n we played mj.. then jerm, peiqi, peisun, edward n lucas came over.. slacked till evening time.. then suddenly all so enthu wanna go blade.. so yea.. i went back to east coast again.. faint..
i took a bike.. n we went to the hawker centre to pig out.. simply delicious can !! wheee...

nice week.. but tiring.. my energy is draining out soon haha.... =)

i m sick today agaain...

went to the docs... he said i have low blood...

n the virus attack was worse than before.. i need alot of rest..

but yet.. my mind is running non-stop.. it doesnt allows mi to rest..


whole day chit-chatting wif rh n wee.. although toking to them sometimes make my blood boil.. but its stil nice to have them beside mi.. =)

rh said i am getting more n more petty now a days.. i know myself.. n i think i realli got to change.. he said it could be due to lucas, tts why i behave tt way.. i dont wan to pin point but i think i should curb my temper for my own good..

n recently, although i am able to deliver good results at work.. ppl are saying i always look in a daze.. strange to say.. i am realli concentrating.. but somehow my mind is drifting away.. i have nv experience such things before.. n i think its scary lehz..

i think its time i really take a good rest from everything.. how i wish i can go into isolation mode.. but i just dont have the heart to throw away my mom, frens and colleagues..

sometimes i just feel that life is being unfair to mi.. i know ppl are facing much worse situation than mi.. but then there are ppl who have everything nice n proper in their life.. sometimes i realli feel like giving up.. u know wat tt means.. but often i told myself.. if there's the way it is.. i will face it bravely.. bcos i always believe that there is bound to be rainbow after the rain..

ppl always ask why am i being so positive.. but they nv know that deep within my heart lies alot of knots that are yet to be untied.. i am just waiting for the right guy to come along n tog we can untie all the knots buried within mi..

till then.. i just need a rest properly to recover from all the sickness i am having.. =)

ciaoz

whoo hoo.. i am at home now.. cos i will be on afternoon shift this whole week.. goodie isnt it.. hee.. but stil i woke up so early.. haha..

saturday i was feeling so so down at work after receiving his msg.. i just couldnt take it.. he actualli go look for other girls to upset mi.. i spoke to spenc abt this.. both of us feel the real reason is he just wan a companion.. such a jerk.. i really dont understand how can someone be so selfish.. he onli tot abt his own feelings.. have he ever tot of mine.. n worse.. tt girl...
i sat inside the toilet for some time.. n i broke down.. I really do feel hurt.. I went back n continued my testings.. Rebec said my eyes gave everything away.. she knows i am feeling veri sad..
anyway.. i stayed wif kk for ot... just the two of us.. n we did all the way till 830.. was so tiring..
I took a cab down to suntec to meet up wif them.. went to catch omen.. actualli the show was not bad.. but the ending realli sucks la hur..
went home after the show.. bcos my dad came home.. n the moment i reached home.. everything started again.. he n his nonsense.. his attitude.. we quarreled.. n i totalli dont give him face... bcos i feel he is really another bastard..
after the commotion.. i realli feel so sian.. really have the urge to call him.. but i told myself i should just let go le.. i dont wanna to be seen as too clingy..

Sunday was supposed to go east coast.. but upon reaching bedok it started to rain.. so went over to jr's hse instead.. dinner was at billy bomers.. the cheese fries was heaven lo! jitao yummi like hell.. haha..

went home n tok to spenc, rh..

i just feel that bcos of his previous r/s.. he had already develop a habit of lying.. yes, at the beginning i was quite unhappi when he keep going to chiong.. but tt was bcos there was no limit at all.. but in the end i told myself i should accept it bcos its part of his lifestyle... n yet, he chose to lie to mi again..

n after all this had happened.. he did not even gave mi a resonable explanation.. he just chose to run away n look for other girls.. i cant help thinking right from the start, mayb i was also another plan of his to upset clyn..

i cant help but to feel unfair.. why? bcos everything tt clyn had done to him... he did it on mi.. tempers just thrown anyhow.. impaitence coming out every now n then.. n the best part is i dont know wat the hell is on his mind.. bcos he just closes himself up...

I admit i do at times get unreasonable.. but when i got angry bcos of wat he did... he in turn got angry too without finding out wats the reason first.. n i have to hong him again.. doesnt tt sounds all so familiar? bcos tts wat it was all abt when he was wif clyn.. I am sorry i cant help comparing my r/s wif hers... bcos i feel he treated her a whole lot better than mi.. when everytime he keep saying how much he love mi more than her.. frens also noticed it.. i just find everything bullshit..
ppl are saying i have given him way too much chance.. he just dont know how to appreciate it...

Things are said n always not done.. he wans a girl to commit but yet he himself cant commit.. yes, i know he dote on mi alot.. but to be frank, i onli felt that its all materialized.. he buys mi things that i want.. i dont want tt to be habit.. bcos i dont wan him to think that the emotional needs can be compensated that way.. n true enough.. i realli dont feel close to him emotionally..

he makes mi feel so shallow n low class.. its like right from the start, he just refuses to acknowledge mi infront of the world.. bcos he is afraid of hurting his previous gf's feelings.. but wat abt mine? i am always on second priority..

n tell mi.. when i go over his place to acc him.. he just went out wif his frens n left mi at his place alone.. i seriously dont mind.. but how mani girls can take it.. not much i think.. i think i have alreadi done my part in maintaining the r/s... but all these takes two hands to clap.. i know no one can ever replace him in my heart.. so i am realli not willing to try a new r/s ever again..

secretly i realli hope he was the same old guy tt i fell for again..

i am feeling damn depressed, upset n fucked up now !!

i just feel he is a jerk and bastard..
really am disappointed..

Though i said i let go of everything.. but this is a super big impact on mi..

ppl said i have totally no feelings already..

n i sat down to think abt all this.. its truly tt way..

i dont why all these is happening to mi.. i realli feel like dying soon.. argh !

I ended everything once and for all.. i hate the feeling of being betrayed or cheated or lied or watever u call it.. things that are going on behind my back are finally seeing some light.. n he didnt even take the effort to explain..

i admit i realli stil do have feelings for him.. but at the same time.. i realli hate him for wat he did.. it just seems to mi that he did not even place this r/s of ours in his heart at all.. so i decided its time to end everything..

no draggy stuffs.. since he had alreadi moved on.. i guess i will too.. and i found out that its not as hard as it seems.. mayb cos i was too numb abt wat was going on betw us..

the past few weeks were realli veri fun.. mayb i am just trying to get myself occupied.. i have been out every single day.. returning home just to slp.. n i havent seen my mom for quite some time.. i just dont know how to ans her if she asks..

But i am getting on quite well.. to be honest i think its a long time i have ever felt so carefree and happi.. i love my job.. i love my colleagues.. i love my frens.. i love my mom.. in fact, i feel i am fortunate..

I definitely need some time to take a break n to forget him.. I know i will stil miss him some how or another.. but i just dont wish to see him ever again..

gonna start blogging normally.. no more of all those sad stuffs abt him.. everything shall be deleted away..

I just want to stay happy.. I want to be able to ogle at guys openly.. I want to be able to go dating with different guys.. I want to be able to have time for all my frens..

So no more of him.. or whatever guys tt come along..

I am tired !!! today my department head told mi that starting from next week i will go into the 2 shifts.. all the way till july then change to 3 shifts.. everything's so sudden.. i am kinda freaking out.. bcos i am stil not confident of my testings.. faintz...

yesterday did ot wif muang n kc till 630.. muang was asking mi abt my r/s.. really speechless i dont know how to tell him also.. he veri ji dan de lo !! whole day trying to scare mi.. siao..
After work took mrt wif kc, josephine n muang.. heard sth that was quite shocking.. bwg !!
went down to town to meet up wif jr, spencer n lingzi.. we went to watch xmen.. ok.. mayb cos i was too tired... i fell aslp during the movie.. so basically i just wasted my money la hur !

Today after work i went to check out the aerobics n kick-boxing class that joanne took.. n i so wanna join !! cos i just find the place so homely.. haha.. the ppl there are so friendly.. i wanna stay healthy.. haha..

Anyway, i am starting to get really irritated wif DL aka Dicky.. Can someone tell mi where got ppl as thick skin as him? go around telling ppl i am his gf.... n he can just pull mi into his arms just lidat.. so dotz !! I really started to scold him for no reason.. n i think i am mean to him la.. i really just gave him a straight no for everything he asked...

But i am stil damn irritated can ! grrr...

yeay yeay.. i am back wif updates.. i had a fun filled weekend.. hee..

Thursday
met up wif fang hui after work.. had dinner at subway! so yummilicious.. haha.. some chit chatting session with her.. toking abt uni, jobs..
after which we went shopping ! hehe.. i bought a new top..! hee..
its a great meet up session wif her..
girl.. we shall meet up more often k! hehe.. for shopping too! next week next week ! haha..

Friday
usual day at work.. wang told us we will be starting our shift work at the start of july.. thats like so fast ! so it only means i have only 1 mth to pick up everything.. but fret not! i am clever by nature.. so i can do it de ! haha.. =x
After work.. went over to rh's place and waited for wee n spencer.. we went wala wala for a drink.. n the chicken wings there are so so so yummilicious lo!! shit.. think at the rate i am going i am turning into a fatty pom pom liaoz..
Hanz came over to join us.. but i left rather early bcos i was really veri tired..

Saturday
Inital plan was to go sentosa wif az.. but was cancelled in the end.. so i pig thru out the day..
n i was supposed to go over to crist's place for his bday celebration.. end up also nv go.. cos my mom pulled mi out to the supermarket to help her wif the groceries.. by the time i reached home it was veri veri late le..
I went over to jerm's place.. supposingly to celebrate rh's bday.. but end up we were all playing xbox there.. haha...
i thrash everyone in the soulcalibur !! haha.. especially rh... 14 straight wins... li hai ba!! n the best thing is i win them just by using basic moves.. haha.. they play until bth..
then was drinking session.. but onli for awhile then we left le.. cos its alreadi morning liaoz..

Sunday
came home.. wanted to go running de.. suddenly in the mood for tt.. cos i think everytime when i am feeling veri down.. i just want to sweat myself out so i ko.. in the end i was too tired for it...
slept all the way till 5 plus 6 haha.. got woken up by jr asking mi to meet up for dinner...
but today i decided i shall be a good gal and acc my mom since she cooked my dinner le.. hee.. next week on.. think will do alot of ot liaoz.. booo....


somehow everything feels weird without him by my side.. i miss him alot.. i know in my heart.. no one can ever replace him..
i know he has moved on.. so i will be strong too.. i will move on.. even if it means i will miss him forever..

today is a super tiring day at work... standing all the way.. boo...

supposed to meet up wif rh n wee for a drink... but i was too tired... sorry ar.. lol.. i want my beauty slp... didnt have enough slp for the past few days...

zzzzzzzz...

I really wanna say a big thank you to az.. thanks alot my dear girl.. this morning when i saw her msg.. for the first time i smiled.. love ya! muacks..


today it was stil tt bad.. but i experienced sth that i nv tot i would face.. i think i am beginning to hate him.. mayb i just hate the way he dont reply to sms..i started to tell myself if he wanna disappear like that.. i would do the same.. i would even disappear from rh they all..
i know this is selfish.. but i dont know why i will react this way..


nvm abt that.. anyway today, something major happened at work.. mandy, our lab manager called for an urgent meeting.. she was mentioning abt the whole company's lab quality standards.. Suddenly, i start to question myself if i am really abiding by the quality results.. She said bcos of a small mistake made by a lab analyst, the company might lose one of its important clients.
If that happens, the lab analyst will have to bear full responsibilities for it and will get sacked..

and all a sudden, i just realised that i havent face such things in the past.. to be truthful i felt afraid.. welcome to the harsh realities of the working world.. faintz..

today muang n DL keep imitating mi.. the way i laugh.. the way i respond.. the way i look around.. they said i look so blur and the way i look around is like a squirrel.. qi si wo le.. n i got shoot by benjamin's rubber bands again!
tsk tsk.. i think i got myself into some trouble again.. somehow the feeling DL gave mi isnt veri nice hur.. he keeps calling mi his girlfren and is very touchy towards mi.. always trying to ask mi out n today he wanted to send mi home..
so after work.. i jitao ran away from him.. I m scared la.. just dont wanna get myself into this kind of shit again.. enough of this kind of crap..

i am really really really heartbroken..

lingzi msg mi and i seek her view.. it just did not feel better..

i tot i could be stronger but yet just the slightest memory made my heart ache that i nearly cried at work today..

i cried when i dragged my feet back home.. i must be stronger..

Kai Xin u are such a dumb arse.. u are so stupid.. why must u even cry for him.. Since he did not even reply u, mayb he dont even give a damn abt u... so stop thinking !!!! *slap*

sometimes i really wonder is it wrong to request that i need a rest in a r/s... why must he react tt way... to think i stil tot of how he would feel so i tried to make it not so hurting..

he can actualli say if thats the way i want it.. so be it lo..

i dont understand why he can change so much.. how can he say such a fucked up statement.. it just shows how much he heck care abt this r/s.. and if thats the case, i dont see why i keep trying to improve things..

yesterday i tot about everything.. i admit i stil feel the pain bcos i stil love him alot.. but i just dont know how can he change so much... i just feel that he really treated mi so unfairly..

why he used to treat his ex-gf so nicely... and for mi.. he just take things for granted...

sometimes i really wanna say it into his face that i am not his chu qi tong... he like it, he do wat he wan... he dont like it, he just flare up.. and i have been wondering to myself how mani times i for no reason, become the victim of his anger pangs again..

i always try to be understanding towards him.. bcos i know his work is veri stressful.. but i myself is facing stress at work.. whu the hell come listen to mi and comfort mi...

and i just realise... for the past few mths... the number of times he went out drinking wif his frens is much more than the number of times he went out wif mi... it seems to mi that his frens, his drinking, his clubbing everything else is so much more impt than mi..

i know right now.. he is stil very playful.. he stil wans to enjoy as much as he can.. i did not say much.. i just hope he has his own limits.. but it seems like he doesnt have it.. haiz..

since he cant put his heart into this r/s.. i think its only right i dont tie him down.. i want to leave wif beautiful memories in my heart..

i know i will miss him alot alot.. n i know in my heart i stil hope that one day he will go back to his old self and i stil wish that i will go back into his arms again...

There are many things i wish to buy.. due to the window shopping i had on last friday n saturday.. lol..

I wanna buy those puffed sleeves tee.. they look so cute..

I need to get more skirts and dresses..

I need to get watches bcos all my watches spoil le !!!

I need to get more normal jeans for my work..

I wanna get levis square fit jeans bcos mine got stained by the fuel oil during work.. argh !...

I wanna get the new levis lady jeans.. its so beautiful!

I wanna get more small and handy bags..

Lastly, i wanna get hold of N80 !

ok.. until i get hold of all of tt.. i will be broke by then.. lol..
anyway.. today's mc for mi.. ytd i went home in the mid afternoon cos i was feeling veri unwell.. my stupid boss stil so reluctant to let mi go.. faintz..

ytd night my temperature shot up to 39.4 degrees.. so i went to the doc for the second time.. and mayb bcos of the high temp.. my head feels veri heavy now..

He came over to acc mi to the doc.. After dinner, i watched "so u think u can dance" n he just fell aslp.. before he left.. he was complaining that its veri hot.. n his reaction wasnt veri nice.. i got alittle upset by it.. but i just kept quiet.. mainly bcos i wasnt feeling well and i desperately wanted to go to bed..

i had a real fun filled weekends... but then again.. i fell sick again.. and this time i really felt weak.. i was so afraid i wouldnt be able to go work tml.. i dont wanna take mc..

ok.. i cant rem wat i was doing from monday to wednesday.. think i met up wif him.. oh well.. thursday after work.. i went down to momo wif ahgong n gb.. been so long since i went to club.. it was fun.. but sickening at the same time bcos of some bloody guys.. n guess who i saw there..

him...

right.. i dont wanna mention the details anymore.. cos its really no point.. wat i dont understand is such a simple thing he cant even do.. and everything is back to square one again.. he looked very shock to see mi there.. a msg saying sorry was sent to mi.. i ought to be angry but i wasnt at all...

instead i was very hurt.. hurt so badly that it didnt matter to me anymore.. he sort of reach my max.. 1 more silly stuff.. everything will be gone..

i went home feeling so fucked up.. i began to think abt everything betw us.. from frens till now.. i have only one thing to say.. all guys are jerks.. when they are chasing after u.. they can treat u so good.. after all that.. they just dont give a damn..

friday i went sentosa with charlene.. was stil thinking if i should go.. bcos i was on standby.. anytime i could get call back to work.. but anyway i stil went.. i badly needed some break from my life..
after tt we went to meet hanz, puwen, spencer and hc at town..
we went to watch mi3 at the grand cathy!! yipee.. haha.. actually i was supposed to watch wif him.. but i just felt i should just heck care abt him le.. i really couldnt be bothered..

sat i went to work.. and my colleagues were like psycho-ing mi to go play mj wif them.. so dotz.. -_- i went to je swimming complex wif puwen after that.. supposingly got alot ppl de.. in the end only the 2 of us.. we tok abt everything.. but mostly on my problems..
at the end of day i was telling myself i shouldnt be so bad.. i should just forgive him.. so i went over his place despite the fact that i knew he will be working late..

i waited till 1 plus 2 am.. at that moment of time i was feverish already.. so i went to rest.. thru out the night.. i kept waking up to see if he's back.. and i just cant help but to think i am really damn stupid.. i keep questioning myself why am i caring so much for him.. i find myself saying its all not worth it anymore..

he came back at around 7 plus 8 in the morning.. telling mi he's veri tired from work and his stomach is not feeling well.. the first tot that came into my mind wasnt abt his well-being.. but whether i should believe in wat he said.. i really dont know.. should i trust him or not..

but i was really too sick to think abt all that.. i went back to slp.. went home early noon.. bcos at tt moment he really felt like a stranger to mi.. its so weird... nth mentioned abt thursday.. yes, he did explained on e sms.. but so wat.. just a few words can gain back my trust? i dont think so..

hmmm... mayb once i have fully recovered.. i will have to start thinking abt all these..

erm.. i dont know wat to blog about..
basically i have been working n working.. but its really alot of fun.. my colleagues really make mi forget all the worries weighing mi down.. and suddenly there, i am being so doted upon.. although they always bully mi.. but they also make sure i dont get into trouble.. ha!

i have nth much to update actually.. cos i dont know where to start from.. i think i should start worrying for my future.. e other time jr just analysed for mi the pro and cons of obtaining a degree.. i am stil thinking abt it.. but i know if i wanna continue my studies.. i will have to let go of something..

people change with time, dont they
and yet they cant see it for themself..

haiz..

i started my new job...

i really have to say this... its frickin damn stress ! argh...

but its a great learning experience.. cos i really learn alot of things ! hehe..

so much so.. i am still tired.. whole day busy w/o time to grab a short break too..

TIRED !!!!!!!!!!!!! zzzzzzzz

i am siao !!!!!!!!!!

blah blah blah blah blah.....

i wan to eat alot of things...

i wan to sing songs...

i wan to dance till i drop..

i wan to ride bicycle till my legs go wrobbling..

i wan to sit by the beach watching the sun rises and sets all day..

i wan to sleep all day long..

i wan to fight with someone... haha..

i wan to do everything!!

i am siao!!

After tt horrifying weekend, i was really in a totally stone and bad mood on monday.. i kept myself busy doing all sorts of things.. i went home n pig through the night cos i figured it would be the best thing to do anyway..

tuesday was much better after the long slp.. after work i met up wif rh, cindy, agnes, wee, spencer and jianling to holland v..

i stil tot i would be able to meet dear on wed.. but he's tired.. ok.. i really tried to understand his situation, which i did.. so i went home.. i tot about everything.. i guess i am the only person who can be there for myself if i need any help or any comfort.. sometimes i feel i need to treat myself a little more better.. why do i always think about others first.. why i can sacrifice slp time just to see him.. i think i am really being so stupid.. i really need to think more for myself.. it might sounds selfish.. but there's the way life is isnt it? blah!

yesterday i meet him for dinner.. then we went over to meet up with spencer, rh and wee.. i think next time i shall go alone to meet them instead.. he seems so bored.. cant even sit still to listen wat they saying like last time.. mayb cindy was right.. mayb all of them were right.. he really changed le.. i dont know how to say how he's changed.. i feel so disheartened.. i just dont wish to say anymore.. so i kept quiet..

what happens when u are utterly depressed?

even the slightest thing can make u go nuts..

and even i cant contact dear.. i start to feel more depress.. that i started thinking about everything.. and its more towards the negative path..

it just dawn upon mi that fate is always not on mi and dear's side.. whenever something really terrible hit mi.. he is always just right not around.. ya.. like wat he say.. how is he supposed to know if i dont say.. but it so happened whenever i wanted to call n just share my things.. he just happen not to be there...

all these while.. i have been picking myself up after all these shits.. n i keep questioning myself why must all these happen to me..

and it brings mi to another point that either he doesnt really understand mi.. or he doesnt know how to tackle mi when i am feeling down.. or mayb i have already close myself up...

i have been crying the whole day.. can i learn to adopt a dont-care attitude about everything? plz tell mi how to..

i realli hate him

i realli hate him to the core !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i have nv hate someone that i realli wish he will drop dead right now....

i hate the fact that he thinks he contributed so much in this family.. but in actual fact he did not...

all he bought to us was misery... hurt....

i wish i had the power to control ppl... n i will make him die...

no one can ever understand how i feel... ppl may say i am not filial.. but no one can understand why i hate him so much... i just feel the pressure coming down on mi... i just wish everything will end soon...

i realli dont know how long i can take it..

why are other ppl's father so caring... so loving.. so thoughtful.. n yet he so bastard.. i just dont it... bcos of him.. i realli gradually hate staying in this place..

even he onli comes back dont know like once a mth.. i just cant stand the look of him...

dont he have at least some liang xin in him... after all the bad he did...

dont he ever know how to repent in stead of causing of making everything worse..

after everything my mom has done... after mi and my mom paid for his fucking debts.. till i have no money now ! he stil got the cheeks to say mi and my brother are useless...

FUCK HIM.... i seriously hope u go to hell now.. n i mean every single word i say... i dont care if u read this...
come thrash things out with mi like a man la..... i will see wat stupid reasonings u have got to say.....

i am crying real real badly now... i dont know why.. i think i feel realli veri hurt now...

in the end i did not went to zouk.. i went to spenc hse for mj with wee n cindy.. cos all of us was off on thursday ! hehe..

whole night of no slp... i went to my agency in the morning.. n had a nice chat with serene.. after which i went home to take a rest.. n got woken up by dear's call.. so i went over his place to slp again.. lol.. at night.. he brought mi to a place to eat crabs !!! omg.. super delicious can!

friday was working finally after so mani days.. after work i went dinner with char at holland's xo fish noodle stall.. n we caught up wif each other.. then i went off to meet rh and cindy.. off to spencer's hse we go.. for mj again..

mi rh and cindy left early in the morning.. i went home took a veri short nap.. n went off to meet dear to acc him to work.. in the end its raining.. so i went back his place to slp.. before going to meet spencer they all..
was a simple dinner.. and talking session at paulaner with beng spencer and weiling.. hee..

ignore tt previous post.. its just for venting reasons.. i stil love my brother.. lol..

right now.. i am fucking pissed off...

i am seriously wondering what the hell is wrong with the people of this world..

just a few months ago, my brother out of kindness gave his personal particular to his fren to sign up a mobile plan.. (ok, i have to admit he is dumb also la!) his this bloody fren chalked up a total of 2k plus phone bill... billed to our residential address.. and today.. its stil not settled yet..

I dont know how the hell he used so much in a month.. but tt asshole refused to pay up till now... when my mom called, he just decided to stop using tt line... n sign up another line using my bro's particular again!

toking about trust abusing.. i am so damn pissed off... and now he chalked up another 200 plus of phone bills.. when my mom called him just now.. upon hearing wat my mom was going to say, he hung up immediately... FUCKING COWARD CAN !!

argh... why do stupid things always happen within this family.... i had enough ! enough is enough... i just feel like shouting till my voice breaks now... grrrr...

ooo.. i am on mc today again.. infection again.. boooz..

last thursday was dinner at chinatown with jr, cindy, apple, rh, wee, spencer.. n it so happened that the next day all of us except wee were off.. so decided to play mj overnight at spencer's place.. I was thinking of dropping by dear's place to bath before heading over to spencer's hse.. but since dear finish his ops, i decided to accompany him.. so i went over his place.. hee..

Friday went for my eye checkup.. everything was ok le ! n went to meet jr, cindy, shihong, rh, hanwei, beng, victoria and spencer for dinner at orchard.. wanted to go alley bar after that but it was packed ! so we went over to a pub that victoria recommend de... its like that worst pub i ever been to.. can u imagine almost all of the people that are younger than us.. and their singing totalli sucks ! omg..

Saturday was out to sentosa with elaine.. n after which was shopping for both of us.. before i went to meet rh, wee, beng, jr, cindy, lingzi and agnes for ice age 2... beng, wee and rh treated mi.. hee.. thanks! tt show is damn funni.. tt stupid rat is like so idiotic! afterwhich mi, beng , wee and lingzi went down sch for the gl prep camp.. actualli basically there i was editing my blogskin with the help from charlene ! thanks alot girl !

Sunday early in the morning i pop by dear's place.. n fell aslp there till late afternoon.. -_- we went town shopping and i watch ice age with him again.. lol.. stil entertaining after the second time.. hee..

Monday was usual working day.. boring in fact.. whole day diff ppl tried to convince me to stay.. but i just couldnt be bothered.. lol..

Yesterday was half day for mi.. bcos i felt so bored.. lol.. dear also released early! so i went over his place to take an afternoon nap.. lol.. after tt we went to suntec for steamboat buffet.. cos i was so craving it !! lol.. we went to search for his dad's present bcos its his birthday.. after which home sweet home.. =)

right now i am deciding if i should go zouk tonight.. its been frickin long time since i went clubbing.. sheez.. argghh i wanna slp lo.. tata..

friday slacking session at starbucks.. wee and jr was so psyche about playing mahjong.. and they were thinking about whose hse to go too.. in the end settled for jr's hse on saturday morning..

can u believe, i actualli woke up at 830 !! just to go over to jr's place.. at the split second i woke up, i was thinking what the hell am i doing? why did i get myself psycho for doing sth so ridiculous.. haha..

nevertheless i stil woke up in time to meet rh.. bought breakfast cum lunch for wee and jr.. i played till cindy and beng came before leaving to dear's place to accompany him..

and yes, i talked to him.. he said he will do his best to open himself up.. i am afraid that history repeats itself again.. we went over to spencer's hotel room for his bday celebration in the evening..

went to watch "failure to launch" on sunday.. veri nice show.. hehe.. a show suitable for couples.. lol

On monday, dinner at sakae with dear at tiong bahru.. lol.. he super bth mi tt day.. cos i dont know why i was talking non-stop.. even when i said i wanted to keep quiet.. i stil said alot of things before i shut up..

Today another usual day.. rh n wee said in another 2 mths, the same thing will repeat itself again.. tts the frequency of it happening in the past.. how? i asked myself this.. everytime i said its the last time i am going to let it happen.. but somehow its always not the case.. I am just wondering how mani last times.. they say i am veri soft hearted.. i have no choice but to agree..

I found myself asking why do i have a soft spot for him?
I dont go back when i said i wanted to let go.. but for him i did it..
There are things that i really cant accept, but for him i accept it..
This is so weird.. so weird..

Mayb this is wat u call love..
everything's so weird about it..
I just dont understand.. zzzz""

I have been going thru emotional spells.. and right now when i am supposed to be slping... i just cant slp..

I dont know what am i gonna write.. but i feel so lost..

a quick update..
tuesday
went to paulaner with jr and spencer.. just some drinking and chilling out session.. hilarous.. the band was great.. yet.. i feel so down..
wednesday
to the balcony with spencer, rh n lucas.. ya.. drinking n chilling out session again.. feeling very down.. yet no one notices it..
thursday
to duxton blue with dillon, wee, rh, spencer, cindy, agnes, lucas, beng, his frenz.. feeling super down.. i just sat quietly there not interacting with anyone..
i broke down n spilled everything to him over the phone.. i told him wat i feel.. or rather part of it.. it was a terrible day.. we decided to talk things out on Sunday after his ops..

today.. (fri)
i had a quarrel with the boss.. n i tendered my resignation letter.. everyone was asking mi to stay.. but i find no future staying there..
i admit i was crying in office.. not bcos of work.. but i feel helpless n lost..
like wat i told cs.. i realli feel so contradicting.. on one hand, i feel like giving up.. but on the other hand, i just cant bear to let it go..
This is one of the greatest challenges that i will be facing.. can anyone just tell me how do i get him to open up to ppl around him...
Bcos of this, there's a communication barrier betw us.. and its not good, its not healthy.. it cause me to feel insecure bcos i really know nth abt him..
I told myself, it doesnt matter if in the end he hates mi, but i will get him to open up.. for his own good..
I want him to be happi.. I want to be there to know his problems.. I want to share my things with him.. I want him to share his things with mi..

I tot that he wont contact me these few days due to his ops..
So u can imagine how surprise i am to receive his call.. ya, i am happy he called.. just sth so simple can brighten up my day..
But wat he told mi really broke my heart... he told mi he hurt himself while playing soccer.. there was a very deep cut on his forehead.. and he had to go to the hospital for stitches..
I nearly cried.. on the verge to.. I was worried sick for him.. it was then i know deep in my heart i would not let him go.. unless he chose to let go..

I rushed down to his place after work when i am supposed to meet up with rh and all.. bought dinner for him and took a look at his wound..
My heart really aches for him.. I really wanna hug him but yet i tried my best to keep myself away from him..
Dress his wound and apply lotion before rushing down to holland v to meet up wif jr beng rh and wee..

chill out at starbucks.. i called him.. but i feel weird.. he's cold towards mi.. sometimes i really dont understand him.. one moment hot the next cold.. haiz..

i think i have been a bad girl this past week... i was out for all days except monday...

Monday was just going work and home...

Tuesday was out wif lingzi to jp for dinner and some chit chat session.. was usual more craps came out.. she always keeps me laughing...

Wednesday was out with dear.. to ikea... shopping n looking around...

Thursday was out with gb and ahgong.. to causeway for dinner.. both of them are like so dead.. -_-

Friday was off day.. i went to sign my appointment letter with my new company.. =) n i met 2 of my future colleagues, joanne and shirleen.. we went for medical check-up tog... To be frank i really was quite pissed by their obnoxious behaviour.. they are really so spoilt... keep complaining to me that their current company is much better blah blah blah.. say no high pay they feel kanna cheated..
Mayb its just me who thinks differently.. I just wanna gain as much experience in this industry.. I dont really care about the pay.. tsktsk..
After that was dinner at holland v...

Saturday was sentosa outing. i really wanna complain liaoz... i call jr and part time till i was late... haha.. only mi and wee managed to wake up in time.. and we started calling everyone.. to our dismay everyone was like ko... in the end mi spencer and wee went there first...
the two guys was like suntaning there... so i started disturbing them.. tickling them n throwing sand at them.. haha..
then jr and dear came along.. the sun was frickin hot tt day...
after that was dinner at lau pa sat... i think the 4 of us, jr mi dear n spencer realli ordered too much !.. faint.. we had lala, stringray, kai lan, oyster egg, crayfish, 2 soups, satay..
after dinner mi jr and cindy went to spencer place to play mj... played all the way till 4 plus 5 in the morning..

Sunday.. went over to dear's place immediately after the end of mj session cos he also just finish his ops... both of us ko all the way till 3 plus.. n went town for shopping... had dinner at sushi tei wif jr n cindy... then both of us went to catch V for vendetta...
I think the show is so F*cking fabulous.. n believe it or not.. I am so in love with the male lead.. though he is just a masked figure... but i just find him so intriguing.. so charming... i will definitely melt if he recites one of those intelligent literature works to me.. i know i know.. i am nuts.. i have a soft spot for such ppl k.. haha..

Anyway.. today was slacking at work.. was thinking about alot alot alot of things.. and i really dont know why tears just fell.. no no i am not suffering from depression.. haha.. i just merely tot about wats going on and i felt sad.. i just suddenly feel its so hard to please the ones u hold dear to your heart.. its so hard to strike a balance.. i know things have changed and no, i am not being paranoid or overly sensitive.. i can no longer trust as i used to.. i no longer feel secure.. and like it or not, i am beginning to close myself up... and there will be many things or emotions i will hiding le...

ok.. after work i went scouting around for V3x and N6280.. i am in dilemna as to which phone is nicer.. i am in love with both phones.. anyone give mi comments? pls pls.. desperately need some comments...

weekend was bad... i had a dispute with dear again.. seriously am quite sick of it le...

fri was ktv at orchard partyworld.. before that was dinner with jr, wee, rh n cindy at jack's place.. Met up wif zj, jerm and dear for k session.. He bought me eclairs... =) went over his place cos i am heading to sentosa the next day...

Sat was tanning session with charlene ! hehe.. bought our breakfast at delifrance n headed in.. The sun was hot so we were there for only 1 to 2 hours.. hee..
headed down town wif her.. went shopping.. I received Dear's call saying he's meeting up with his frenz to the IT show.. I was fine with it so i told him to go ahead n would meet up wif him after my class's gathering.. n he was like meet him for wat.. i admit i was puzzled.. bcos previously when i told him i am going for my class gathering, i asked if he wanted me to go over to acc him after tt.. n he said yes... yup.. n so i was speechless for a few seconds b4 telling him tt..
well well.. i tot mayb he wanna go out wif his frens.. so i told him to go ahead... i can always head home to rest.. no problem for mi at all..
n thats when everything started.. he started getting irritated n the attitude came out again.. i was like "Wat the hell"

n so after tt espisode.. he wanted to meet me.. But this whole incident left mi feeling veri veri down.. i went to kfc to have lunch with hc n charlene.. n there's a point when my eyes just started getting teary.. he called n apologized.. i told him to go meet up with his frens.. reason being that i just dont feel like seeing anyone tt day.. n he got frustrated again.. telling mi that his frens did not include him in their program le..
but in the end we stil decided to meet up.. ya i know.. so lame...

went to taka with hc n charlene to the creativity level.. i went to search for some inspirations on wat to do for him... but as i walked on.. i became more n more sad... i just feel so unfair n pointless.. dumb dumb called n comforted mi... i was even crying at one point..

went to meet him at city hall to go to the IT fair.. i was still feeling veri hurt.. but i just hide everything inside.. i did manage to cheer myself up abit... we walked around.. he bought a web cam and a photo printer..
had dinner at thai express and went back his place.. I was too tired to do anything... mayb mentally tired too.. i just wan to rest.. so i ko there..

Sunday was mj session at jr's place.. luck was on my side.. till a point where i felt so guilty when ever i win.. so i just diam diam there.. lol.. plus i was feeling veri tired...

why cant i even get a proper answer n not some frustrated tone... i dont see that his frens get this kind of shit when they talk to him.. i so had the urge to say it in his face that i am ur gf.. someone with feelings.. not something for you to vent ur anger on.. but yet i did not.. i just cant bear to do tt..
Suddenly i realised.. this kind of thing has been happening rather frequently.. i really dont know how much longer i can take it though...
But i seriously hope that he wont go over my limit.. bcos i really dont know wat i can do...

i shall keep tt previous post to myself n not post it out... i just feel that sometimes the human mouth can be so terrifying.. so... no more of my personal tots here.... i gonna keep it all private...

took the day off... n met up wif beng after my interview... short chit chatting session at tcc.. i did tell him my opinion on someone.. names shall not be mentioned.. playing arcade wif beng... lol... i wanna play more !!!

but dear was hungry so we went for dinner... lingzi n lyn came over to find us... been so long since i saw them !!! lingzi is so blur can !! she can walk infront of us n call beng ask where are we... i laugh till bth..

after wards was pool session at sg shopping centre.. mi n lingzi catch up wif each other.. i told her sth thats deep buried within my heart... not even a single soul on earth knows abt it.. yup.. i told her... n surprisingly she felt the same way as i do.. pengz... n now i told charlene abt it.. she also felt the same way as us... how is it possible? mayb that someone really doesnt have a character... ok i should not be bad..

anyway.. after toking to lingzi.. i felt something that i tried to keep within my heart... something that i am not willing to face up to... something that keeps bothering mi every now n then... but i guess its time i face up to reality.. i was supposed to meet up wif rh n wee today.. i wanted to tok to them abt how i feel...but both are not free last min..

i wanna tok to lingzi... i m so sorry girl.. for the first time i felt regretful that i did not take care of my eyes.. resulting in being ban from clubbing for a few mths... n bcos of it.. i cant be there to listen to her cos they are going zouk tonight... haiz... i feel so bad...

be strong girl.. =) n i feel girls whu throw themselves at guys are such a disgrace...

Thursday
work as usual nth special.. rushing off to meet up wif dear at tiong bahru for movie... caught underworld.. damn cool show.. the lead actress just nv fails to amaze me with her beauty.. she's so hot..! overall nice story plot.. u guys should watch it... went to queensway for stringray n lala.. cos he's craving for it.. haha..
n we waited for damn long for a stupid cab.. there's this couple whu had the cheeks to just stand in front of us to steal cab... i did something real funni.. i kinda "shouted" at them.. buey zi dong.. cab stealers.. haha..

Friday
met up wif ahgong for dinner at siam kitchen !! finalli my craving for thai food.. haha.. but not to my expectation.. i still prefer thaiexpress.. kl came while we were eating.. after which met up wif gb n sw... played arcade n went to mac to wait for our show to start...
caught final destination 3... the show is damn gross lo.... each time the person die i was like so speechless that the person could die like that.. ewwwksz...totalli horrible ! but the suspense is stil there so i would say not a bad show...

Saturday
met up wif cs at sim lim.. tt crazy guy wanna buy psp.. so damn ex lo.. then i went to pray n got myself a crystal bracelet.. we went icon to take a look... nth much there.. mayb cos there's not much ppl.. the whole building is kind of dead.. went for lunch at billy bomber... n we went over kiat's place... he bought mi an adidas slipper and a pair of ear rings from taiwan... they are realli veri nice.. =) thanks ar..
jona, hc, bao n kiat were playing mj.. haha.. i helped jona play.. n lost his money.. haha... after awhile went for dinner at suntec with ky, his girl, dear... ky came fetch mi and shui bian lobang hc.. god damn it lo... took almost like an hour to find a stupid parking lot.. we even switched to different places to find.. everywhere is full!!! faint..
n i have to admit i am realli totalli not in best of mood.. i was quite pissed off by dear tt day.. early morning he gave mi attitude when i tried to speak properly with him.. ya though i know e reason.. but stil its realli not my fault... so i just try to put myself in his shoes.. n he gave mi attitude again when he waited for a long time for the three of us.. realli.. its not my fault again... how am i supposed to know there's no parking lot...
i think i am realli on the verge of crying cos i was so frickin mad.. i realli just feel like stepping out of ky's car n just go home...
ky suggested that he drop mi off first while they two go search for a lot.. i figured that there's the best solution.. so yea..
when i met up wif him.. i tried to explain to him.. so i really cannot be bothered if he understands or not...
after dinner.. ky n his girl went off.. while mi and dear went to ktv cos he wanna sing song.. so anything lo.. wanted to go home after tt cos i am meeting elaine the next day.. but ya.. he wanted to spend more time wif mi.. so i went over his place lo...

Sunday
msg elaine saying i not meeting up wif her.. cos i was realli too tired.. n slept all the way to 12 plus 1.. dear was supposed to meet up wif zj at 1.. n he was veri late.. so i think he's very pissed off with himself.. i dont know how to handle him.. so i just diam diam n called zj to inform him..
after that he went work n i went home to take a rest...
i am actualli quite affected by saturday's incident.. i just feel so unfair.. n the saddest part.. not even a sorry has been said.. mayb he doesnt know he reacted tt way.. n i just dont wish to say.. n how come i have the feeling that i am being taken for granted again... tired... i feel damn fucked up...

mi and my big mouth again... dotz...

monday i went over my dear's place after work.. n just bcos i jokingly mentioned on sunday night that i would love him to cook for mi... he decided to cook dinner for mi... faintz... n bcos of some stuffs.. he got realli irritated... to be frank.. i am still not used to his temper... so i just stand there like a tootz.. not knowing how to react.. lolx.. i just chose to ignore it... haha...

anyway.. i was flipping the papers n doing some search online about scholarships... from various companies.. but i am still in a blur as to wat i should do... should i just work hard from the bottom n try to break into the oil industry... or should i just apply the scholarship n mug for exams which is a killer for a lazy person like mi.. i am realli in a dilemna.. haiz... pls show me some direction...

n.. i wan wan wan wan to watch final destination3 !!!! i so wanna watch it veri much...!!! ahgong gb.... i wanna watch haha...

these few days are just working n working.. today i am craving for fries... hehe... i dont know why... n i am craving for thai food !!!! i wanna eat thai food !!!!

some updates... this week finally back to work... work sucks as usual... n i went for interview at Schering-Plough on thursday... i seriously hope to get it.. but i think i might be disappointed.. sad...

fri was out wif gb and ahgong.. lol.. afternoon was so craving for kfc...! so i msg them wanna go out eat kfc ltr? hahaha... think both of them think i so ridiculous.. haha...
But anyway, still met up wif them.. went to lot 1.. and the three of us finished the fortune meal lehz !!! haha.. i think i was super craving for it that i ate alot.. ops..
went to play arcade wif them.. played the basketball thingy.. kaoz.. ppl is throw till hand tired.. i stand till tired.. cos i too short!! got to tip toe... pengz... after which was ktv session... finally !!!! after dont know how mani mths of not singing... jitao super fun... lol... i stil cant believe that i cant reach the girl's part for shan hu hai... i cant believe it !! haha... si gb stil keep replaying the song to gek mi... zhu tou...
i am so in love wif jay's new songs !!! especially the shou ji lang man... or lang man shou ji.. cant rem.. ha
sang all the way till 2 n they send mi home in a cab.. zzzzz... tired!

sat n sunday was spend wif dear... he came over for lunch on sat cos my mama cooking... my fav soup! after which went over his place... cant go anywhere cos he's on mc.. poor thing... tsk tsk..
we cooked spragetti for dinner... actualli is he cook la.. haha.. cos just right hc call mi.. when i finish talking to him.. he also almost done.. muahaha... =x
n i wan to complain!! why the bed so big... pian pian must squeeze mi into a corner until i no place to slp.... so i was dead tired today... lolz... actualli was intending to go east coast cycle... but i am tired to go anywhere.... so just zzzzzzz the whole day.... lol...
went home early... cos got no money to take cab le... super broke... wanted to ask him go walk walk... but in the end decided better not... cos i think he also broke bcos of his v day gift to mi.... seee.... mi n my big mouth... tsk...

to all contact lens user all there........ boycott Renu solution !!! lolz.....

wee wee told mi he saw on the newspaper that out of 22 people whu got eye infection... 21 of them are using renu....

see see see see see see !!! i knew it !!!!
previously when i am using solocare no such problems de... though there's no scientific proof la... but it must be it !!!!!!!

boycott boycott !!!!!....

I am on mc all the way till monday ! wooohooo... but stil.. i cant go out.. so its equal to nothing...

yesterday.. my dear came over n acc mi to my eye check up... i was told gladly by the doc that my eyes are recovering fast.. but yea.. got to face the fact that my eyesight will be affected.. haiz.. serve mi right for being so lazy.. for taking my eyes for granted..

after which both of us da bao kfc home to eat.. n took a short afternoon nap.. tsk.. could realli feel my eyes getting more in need of rest le.. it gets tired realli easily.. totalli sucks..

he woke up n prepare to go wedding dinner.. while i continued to slack at home.. lol..stayed up waiting for him.. had to take his bag down for him cos he going back camp...

today is slping day again.. funni.. i slept so long n yet i stil feel tired.. dear came over to acc mi after his work... took an afternoon nap n went out for dinner...
got scolded by him.. just bcos i asked if i could join him n jr they all at alley bar... kinda shocked cos he jitao scolded mi so fierce... n he was angry bcos i dont know how to take care of myself.. ok i know he meant good.. so i diam diam liao lo..
went ntuc bought things to munch at home... hee... n his rashes came back again... he veri pek cek... i also dont know wat to do.. faints.. so i just diam diam lo.... lol...
haiz... i am ban from going out this whole week.. i cant believe it !!! faintz... diam diam lo... lol

ok.. i think i am quite bored la.. so i decided to write abt something... just a few weeks back.. one of my frenz broke up wif her bf... n the reason being bcos she cant see any future wif tt guy...
I am sure alot of ppl come across this situation.. I myself have been thru this transition stage... I think alot of girls think its kinda cool to say that when u break up with tt guy.. but honestly.. it is so not...
on the contrary.. i think its damn dumb to say tt.... n its veri unfair... ok.. i think i am referring to myself at times.. lol.. yes.. i do admit sometimes i cant see the future with him.. mayb sometimes i feel that he's not gonna be there for me in the future.. i dont know.. realli mayb its just due to me feeling insecure tts all.. but anyway.. i figure it all out... yes its totalli unfair to the other party... bcos ppl do change as time goes by.. so how do u know for sure wats gonna happen in the future? just bcos at present there are somethings that u cant stand abt the other party and u just put him on death sentence.. who knows mayb as the two of you walk down this long journey.. he turns out to be ur prince charming? crapz..

ok.. i m stil quite bored... well.. was talking to charlene just now... and i was telling her... i realli kinda think lucas spoils mi too much le... things he got for mi are always so expensive... the amount of money he spent on mi is way beyond my imagination.. n u know wat.. it totalli make mi damn guilty... bcos i am not the sort of girl whu enjoys ppl pampering mi.. especially spending a large sum of money on mi.. i feel so guilty.. damn.. cant do anything abt it? so much i wanted to spoil him back.. but well.. i m relatively poor in tt sense.. but i guess thats how it is ba? cos if i have the money.. i will pamper him too.. lol..
someone told mi once i am a typical libra... i always have the tendency to give in to others... n when i asked him wat the hell he meant... lol.. he told mi i give in too much... n he has nv seen anyone as understanding as mi...

see tt as a compliment? i kinda think he's being rude..
I mean whu the heck in the world would want to pick up an argument with ur partner anyhow... of cos i will give in if i feel i have nth to lose... its just taking a step back muh.. wats so difficult about that.. n by doing so.. reduces another quarrel... so everyone's happi at the end of the day lo...
cant understand how some ppl think at times..... it doesnt hurt to give in alittle more at times to make the other person happi.. especially when the person's someone dear to your heart right? =)

ok... time for mi to rest my eyes... heee...

a'right gonna update about whats going on 14th of Feb... I have only one thing to say.. I am really so touched by wat my dear planned.. its the first valentine's day i spent with him n truly it was the best valentine's day for me..

The day started with me having a check up with the eye doctor and i was praying so damn hard that i can be discharge.. bcos i know dear planned n spent alot.. all would go to waste if i cant go home..

n yes.. the doc allow me to go home.. god bless him!! =)

went home to take a rest.. he came over my place in the afternoon... n.. i had the first surprise of the day... he got mi one of my fav flowers.. white roses !!.. a dozen of them wrapped in a pretty lavendar paper with a sweet "i love u" heart cushion pinned at the neck of the bouquet..

n tt silly boi got mi to close my eyes while he put on a necklace for mi... i jumped with joy when i saw tt... its citigems !!! my first citigems from him... just cos i once mentioned that i realli love citigems... n its realli pretty.. tts my second surprise.. so sad i cant give him his present.. but i will finish it up quick after my eyes recover.. =)

after which he tuck mi in bed to have a rest before heading for our dinner.. n he fell aslp too.. lol..

guess where he brought mi to?

The night safari !!! hee.. he booked the gourmet express valentine's day dinner... its a 5 course meal on a tram...it takes u round the park..
(actualli i alreadi knew tt he might take mi on this.. cos i saw it on a newspaper or mag.. but dont ask mi how i know.. i just had this instinct.. shhhhh... he doesnt know ha)
but stil its a veri nice experience bcos its the first time both of us tried it.. definitely something kept in my memory forever..
the day ends with a night show... short n nice !

n its home sweet home.. =) i dont know wat to say.. but i think girls out there would think i am veri xin fu... ya.. i realli am.. ^-^ i know he cares alot for mi cos he keeps asking hows my eyes thru out the night n he wants mi to go home to rest as soon as the show ends..

i know i am a veri careless n stupid girl whu always get myself into shits.. got to buck up Miss Khoo ! n i nearly spoilt his valentine's day if i cant discharge.. I realli can be such a kutu at times.. n i have been falling sick like 4 to 5 times in these 2 mths..

up till now i stil cant believe i have him by my side.. its like too good to be true eh.. thanks dear for everything.. =)

I am a happi ger.. yipee ! photos up as soon as i get them from my dear..

ok.. though i seldom say this to him... but Dear.. i realli love u veri much.. =)

booo... I was hospitalized for the past few days... -_-
actualli its all my fault.. cos i didnt take good care of my eyes...

had some serious eye infection n i had to put eye drops every hour.. even when i am aslp... so i am extremely tired... -_-zzzzz

everyday was just slping there cos i just couldnt do anything.. couldnt open my eyes at all.. when it got alittle better i was dying to finish up the present for dear.. but i wasnt allowed to do bcos i couldnt strain my eyes at all.. tsk tsk..

dear dear came over to acc mi on sat n sun.. i knew he was veri veri tired due to work.. but haha he stil came.. n he bought alot alot alot of magazines for mi.. ended up i got scolded by my mom cos she said i wasted his money.. -_-""" oh.. nigel came over on monday to acc although i told him no need... lol.. caught up with each other n we were discussing abt the fhm girls... hahaha.. *thanks =)

got discharge on tuesday as the doc mentioned that my eyes are recovering fast.. but had to put the drops every 3 hour.. kinda no diff.. sad to say.. i cant wear contact lens anymore... n my vision would be affected due to e scar left behind... haiz...

ytd was valentine's day !! of cos i spend it with him... more to update.. need to rest my eyes.. ^-^

whhheeee....

i m boreeddddd.... -_-"""

my dear asked mi ytd if i wanted to go night safari? how cool is tt.. lol.. night safari wor... a place which i have onli visited once... n its like in primary sch.. heee..

well well... i must find new hobbies to keep myself entertained.. if not i will realli miss him alot...

okok.. i am toking nonsense.. but its true ma.. if u got nth to do.. u would think abt stuffs.. n i just happen to always think abt him.. so ta da !..

blahz.. i am rambling stupid things again...
beng they all went zouk tonight... mambo!!!
i am so guai k.. i did not go... i wanna slp.... i need more time to finish it !! arrrghhh.... so little time....

ok... time to retreat into bed.. yea... zzzzz

I have been having serious panda eyes due to lack of slp.... for a couple of weeks or even mths !!!! All thanks to my clever idea...

N i tot it was so easy at first... but its so not.. took mi 4 mths to do it... ya.. i admit i did slack alittle in the 4 mths.. but still.. i must admit its not an easy feat for me...

tonight.. i decided to take a break.. n rest my eyes.. although the thing is not completed.. n i am like a gan chiong spider le... but i wanna zzzz...

went shopping wif charlene today.. lol.. both of us spent a great deal of time at the bra shop... lol.. getting fanatic over a particular bra.. ha! so shitter...

n we met up wif ahgong, gb and kl.. took a short walk around before going home...

I am tired !!!!

Its been awhile since i last updated.. shall do a short update on my cny..

1st day of cny
went to my 2nd aunt place... been a long time since i saw ling... lol.. chatted with her most of the time there.. after which was to my gugu's hse.. did not go due to some stuffs..
went over to lucas' place bai nian.. kind of scary cos his place was crowded with alot of ppl..
played sparklers with him n his cousins..
nothin much too..

2nd day of cny
accompanied him the whole day.. after which we went over to beng's place for steamboat .. lost alot at his place.. close to 70.. tsk..
went off early...

3rd day of cny
accompanied him the whole day too.. supposed to go jason's hse.. but eh.. did not go in the end.. lol.. lazy to explain..
caught the movie "fearless".. not a bad show...

4th day of cny
boring day... at work...
could feel i was getting sick... slept almost the whole day at work..

5th day of cny
went to the doc n got the day off...
n rested at home..
spent the whole day watching tv...

6th day of cny
Its a friday !!! yeay...
met up wif ahgong n gb at jp for dinner...
we went to watch Fun with Dick & Jane.. ha.. gb treated mi..
funni show !! all should go catch it.. lol..

7th day of cny
went to gb's place for steamboat...
met up wif char at bp interchange first.. met up wif gb, ahgong, jason n cp at jp..
supposed to go dbl o wif beng n all but sorriez ppl.. i really wasnt in a good mood..
played with ahgong's ps2.. n some mj session.. shiiter i lost again..
this year isnt a good year to gamble.. lol...

8th day of cny
yap.. today.. i decided to stay at home..
cos i think i am not in the right mood...
i need some time alone.. n i dont feel like seeing anyone.. =)
tata.. thats all.. cny is over soon..

I have been an ugly girl for the whole week.. wore specs everyday.. -_-

Starting to look for new jobs.. anyone wanna intro mi some?? lol.. kinda lazy to find.. but seeing that staying with this company would bring more harm to my future.. i buck myself up.. been searching thru the papers everyday.. n trust mi.. chemical engineers jobs are rare finds!

everyday at the company was chit chatting with chiew ling n walking rounds n rounds in the clean room cos there's simply nth for us to do ! talking to tt girl really makes mi think abt wat i want in my life..

Last fri acc him to chinatown to get new year decoration for his place.. on the way.. i finally told him how i felt abt our r/s.. n like i guessed it.. he doesnt even know tt he's been likdat.. I guess he must be pretty hurt as i mentioned that i really felt like giving at a point of time.. but i told him i stil cant bear to let go.. i hope we can work out the differences tog.. all was well.. =)

Saturday was spent at jerm's hse... union's reunion dinner... steamboat my fav ! hehe.. but its way too much ppl.. everyone's like a hungry ghost.. kind of put mi off.. so in the end mi spenc wee and rh ended up having our "miniature steamboat" ha!
yup, n tt night... was a terrible n messy affair.. jr got drunk.. n i guess its the first time he ever vomitted in his slp.. in the end the guys had to drag him into the toilet n bath him.. lol.. while mi lingzi n peisun cleared up the vomit n mucus mess he left behind... ewwwkks..

n Chinese new year's around the corner !! i really cant wait.. i dont know why... mayb cos its lotsa days of holiday for all of us.. ! =)

eye infection.... i learnt my lesson... gonna take good care of my eyes in the future...

cant even open my eyes on sunday night that i went to hospital for check up... turns out its serious infection of my upper eye lid... thank god my eye ball was not affected by the infection..

slept thru monday.. thankfully it starts to turn better.. i can finally see.. lol.. but with some blur vision.. so gonna turn into bed soon ! zzzz

ji dan !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

stupid idiotic brainless freak !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

arrrrghhhhh..........

seriously i really feel like killing someone... really feel like !!!!!!!!!
arrrrgghhhh........

-bang wall-
-bang wall-
-bang wall-

i wan to vent my frustrations !!!!!!!!!!!!! i can feel all of them bottling inside me.... just a small thing can ignite the blow le...

JI DAN !!!!!!!!!!!! WANG BA DAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

arRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PUI !

What's Your True Color?

You're yellow, the color of joy and energy — two things you definitely bring to everyone around you. It's hard for anyone to be sad or lonely in your presence; your sunny disposition and cheery outlook just won't allow it. The warmth of your personality shines through in the kindness you show friends and family (and strangers, too). Always ready with a lighthearted joke or heartfelt compliment, you know how to make people feel good about themselves, so they can't get enough of you. Yellow is a warm and inviting color for a warm and inviting person — you!

xmas is over.... i had the best xmas this year..

sat morning i was over at charlene's hse for some "vitamin D sessions" lol.. yup.. its tanning.. both of us talk till 12 plus n we went to wash up.. Acc her to TPY central and waited for tt zhu tou.. lol.. stil can late !

went home n took a rest.. supposed to meet up wif poly classmates.. but i decided to skip it.. cos i was totally broke.. cant afford to eat at marche.. haiz.. actualli i realli realli realli do miss all of them man..

prepare to meet up wif my dear.. on the way there.. was msg-ing sz to see if i could meet up wif them even for a short while.. i dont know why.. i just suddenly miss all my frens.. haiz.. but sadly i did not meet up wif them cos we skipped the town area, its too crowded.. =( so we went to marina instead.. n went sakae for dinner.. all this while, my dear was carrying the present he got for mi.. jidan ! made mi full of curiosity.. cos the box is so big n heavy.. well well.. he said he got mi a big rock melon inside.. lol.. watched the chronicles of narnia.. its a superb show ! were alreadi veri late cos the show finised at 11 plus.. n we definitely didnt wan to count down to xmas in the cab.. so rushed down to jerm's hse..

who knows.. wee called n asked us to get some things.. seriously i dont mind helping u guys get things.. but i was quite pissed off when u all still can request for the diff flavours of lolipop?! Dear n mi was like "Hur!" n when i cant find them, i called back.. i could still hear dont know whu saying tt dont care must find the flavour...
I admit i was pek cek.. tt i scolded cheewee.. sorrie ar.. but know why.. cos i was choosing the flavour, the whole queue was jammed up by mi lo... dotz.. totally speechless by this man..

anyway, both of us decided not to let this thing spoil our mood.. so we all hurried up n went over jerm's place..
a night of chit chatting, celebrating of wee's bday, bbq-ing, mj-ing and of cos not to mention.. drinking till high n seh.. ha..
i was a good girl ! i drank onli abit cos i wasnt feeling well.. but that also means a price to pay.. cos in the wee hours of the morning.. the only ones awake was mi, dear n jr.. both of them were so frickin determined to get drunk..

so just when they started toking nonsense.. rh barged into the kitchen n vomitted.. so imagine i had to take care of 3 guys !! damn tiring man.. but its a super funni sight ! haha.. cos 3 of them were hugging tog saying i love u i love u.. haha..
no words can describe the situation tt night.. imagine.. jr n dear woke everyone up.. n all started laughing at them.. i managed to get dear to vomit everything out.. n get him to slp..
as for jr.. hahaaaa... totally cracked us up !!! voted the comedian for the year le la... bth him !!!

oh.. anyway.. e present from my dear really really put mi into tears.. he wanted mi to open it up in front of all of them.. i was veri pressurized.. took a peek inside.. n oh my ! i saw the levis black spag top n skirt !! i was veri veri delighted.. didnt know that he would take notice of wat i wanted.. alreadi melted le.. n there was another gift wrapped up...
guess wat is it? e moment i saw it.. i burst into tears n hug him tight.. veri drama hur.. but ya.. i was moved to tears.. he brought mi the M:robe..

haiz... i really feel so pampered by him... he must have spend a bomb.. n now i feel so so so guilty.. booooo... next time when i go out shopping wif him.. i shall keep all the comments to myself.. hee..

I love u my dear !!
Merry Xmas my frenz !

xmas is two days away.. .. i am so stressed...
i know my dearie spent quite a lot for my present.. n mi? i did not get him anything.. cos i m totally broke.. hiaz..

i feel so bad..

i feel so bad..

but i still cant wait for tml to come.. going to take a trip down to orchard n take photos ! yipee.. =) of cos.. wif him.. whu else hur..

xmas is just around the corner !! I'm so sad.. i am totally broke.. i cant get my frens presents.. i cant get stuffs for him.. n with the xmas sales going round.. its the best time to go on a shopping spree.. why oh why must i be broke now.. of all times.??!!

I have been going shopping n shopping.. n planning for my new year's clothes.. last weekend was spent rotting at breko with dar, rh and wee.. some heart to heart talk.. it seems that i am really back to my happi state.. nothing seems to be able to dampen my spirit.. i learnt to accept things that are beyond my control.. i learnt to take things easy and cherish the ppl around me..

spent my sat with dar.. he said i am the girl that he trusts most.. though i was teasing him all the way.. but i swear to god.. i nearly melted.. to be trusted by someone u love is a great feeling.. =)

sunday was at sentosa with jr, beng and elaine.. really had fun with them.. haha.. after wards was dinner at orchard.. n all went kuang shopping last minute at the temporary stalls outside cine.. i nearly fainted ar.. almost everyone bought sth..

monday was another shopping trip with my dar.. he came all the way to pick mi up after work wor ! went to sushi tei for dinner.. its damn yummilicious.. haha..
shopping time.... ar.. i am so gonna buy that skirt from kai.. i wan bags.. shoess... birkenstock !!! n bikinis...
he bought mi a charm bracelet..... thank you my dear... =)
i feel so pampered by him....

ytd was a havoc night man..

lol... went to dbl o to celebrate cindy's 21st birthday.. Before that, i met up wif dear ! yeay.. finally.. i hug him the moment i saw him.. cos i miss him too much.. lol.. my dear was commenting on his look tt day.. he told mi he feel very gay... hahaha !!! bth him.. acc him go eat sushi even though i was veri veri full le.. hee..

met up wif elaine, wee, hc and charlene after my dear left for camp.. we went shopping.. mi n elaine can just disappear into a shop.. lol.. think they bth us.. haha.. went into levis shop n i saw so mani things i like !!! omg..

I like the purple jacket.. its super duper nice.. i saw the skirt.. n i like it alot alot !!... I saw the black spagg... n i love it !!!.. arrrr.. i want i want i want... i want the princess cut lady style jeans...
n at dbl o.. i saw a girl wearing the second batch of the lady jeans.. its so nice !!!!!!! i wan i wan i wan i wan !!!!!!!!! droolz...

ok.. anyway.. we shopped from far east all the way to ps.. looking for cindy's present.. n we finally found it at citigems.. a veri veri nice necklace hehe.. i wan citigems !!!! the jewellery are all veri nice !!!! lolx..

meet up wif rh, cindy, jr, beng for dinner.. n we went over.. towards the end.. most of us was seh le.. lol.. i actualli vomitted again..
so they bought mi out.. n i saw cindy alreadi outside.. lol.. so both of us jus sat there n rest.. so sorry man.. let all the ppl fuss over mi.. part time dont let mi rest.. keep asking mi stand up.. but i no energy at all.. so resulting in a very wobbly mi.. must be a funni sight ! haha..

lol.. tt stupid jr.. stil can come over pat my head say he promise next time dont give mi drink le.. I was so puzzled by this statement.. so i think he also veri seh liaoz.. haha.. n thru out.. he keep telling mi dont let him drink.. if not he sure ko.. so funni!
then he keep saying.. we all lack of 1 person.. if the person come, none of this will happen.. lol.. he keep saying why my dear dear nv come.. gao siao!

elaine n her fren send mi home.. so i rest on the cab.. but the moment i reach home i am so awake le.. haha.. but i think i made my dear angry.. cos i promise him i wont drink much.. in the end.. haiz..

anyway.. happy early birthday cindy ! hehe..

eeeewww..

i realise i have been having some boring life lately.. its been working non-stop.. n suddenly all the managers are treating mi like god.. faintz.. they wan mi to help them explain to HSA.. nuts.. but too bad.. i think i am gonna jump to a better company soon.. hee..

n my mom's recently in a very horrible mood.. most of the time she doesnt wan to acknowledge mi when i ask her how is she.. till today i finally know wats troubling her.. i have no idea how to comment.. but i certainly felt wat my brother did was super wrong n hurful to her..

haiz.. i miss my dear alot... been a week since i saw him.. booz

why must he be on tt stupid course.. bboooo...
ytd he asked if i feel neglected.. lol.. i told him.. "Ya.. of cos la.. ben dan.. if i dont feel a thing.. means i dont care abt u le.."
But i also told him i understand his situation so i dont demand alot of his attention..

But....

I stil hope to see him soon.. lolx..

booo...

k.. i am just bored.. time for zzz..

boring saturday afternoon..gonna bring my mom out to eat ltr.. was kinda disappointed when my bro just went out even when i told him so..

Met up with him ytd.. though just a short meet up.. i was still happy that he made the effort despite him being so tired from his course.. i know i keep changing my views on us.. I am just emotional unstable.. But over the weeks, i kept thinking.. n right now.. i know wat i wan..

ps: yummy just wanna say something.. a blog is for mi to write out all my feelings n tots at tt point of time.. it doesnt mean that i will act upon them.. n it doesnt shows all thats running through my head.. bcos thats alot of things that i cant say or i wont say out.. i just need a space for mi to vent my frustrations.. i believe its always better to jot ur tots down be it good or bad.. mature or childish.. its just a way i de-stress myself.. But thanks alot for reminding mi that i have to fight for gd things.. i totally agree with u.. =)

so why am i at home now?? lol..

i am damn tired out.. supposed to go to work today.. but i slept barely an hour.. so i decided to apply for urgent leave !! n continue pigging all the way till 1 plus.. =x

ytd was out with rh, wee, beng, jr, hanz, ql, elaine, cindy, lz, az, wl, wz and qy.. went to zouk to celebrate wx's birthday plus the return of jr ! lol.. definitely a night to rem.. first time i saw jr so heated up till he wanna whack someone..

Took us quite some effort to calm jr down n drag him back.. i admit i was veri scared during the whole incident.. i was veri shocked at jr's reaction but deep inside i felt a warmth that he cared so much for us.. i know he's stil veri worked up when he went back.. so i did try to talk to him n calm him down..

Curse the two fucking guys !!!! idiots..

n then beng was seh ytd.. i have no comments on tt.. but its so funni to see him walk in a zig zag manner ! lolz..

by the time i reached home was alreadi 4 plus 5.. i was super duper shag out.. resulting in the urgent leave today ! haha..

But watever happened ytd really set mi into thinking.. i cant say out how i feel cos i promise i wont mention it.. Just that life is so full of unexpected things.. n mayb as i grow up.. such things are getting more common.. so i kinda feel neutral abt it.. but i wonder if i can take it when it happens to mi..

recently i have been facing with some the down points in life.. i know some of my frens are too.. i try my best to help them n be there for them.. but i have to admit some of their negativity is really affecting mi alreadi.. i am trying to handle one problem at a time.. yup..

Everything seems to be normal now.. Yup, in the end, i stil cant let go..

But i feel the distance there.. we are like strangers.. n here i am wondering if it is that i am too sensitive..

Its been close to a week since i saw him.. I admit i miss him alot alot.. but yet i dare not voice it out..

He's been really very busy with his work n course.. I know everyday he's tired out.. I did not complain cos its not something that both of us can control.. I myself face with a lot of stress in my work too.

I dont wan to add on to the problems cos we have yet to even sit down n talk about the recent events..

Sometimes.. Jus sometimes.. i really feel he doesnt give a shit anymore.. I was so sad when i called him ytd bcos i was feeling veri giddy on the bus, but he just "cut" mi off even before i can mention anything.. I know i cant blame him.. so i decided not to say anything..

Indeed, i felt a little bit neglected.. But nvm ! I think i should use this period for some soul searching.. Self cultivation ! Hee..

what happen when ur mind n heart have different tots?

I chose to be rational this time.. although it breaks my heart.. but i know i have to do it.. I talked to rh during lunch.. I am trying hard to be strong le.. but yet i stil cried.. n i had to hide in the toilet for some time..

I love him so much that i wanna be selfish and hold on to him forever.. But i know i am tying him down.. I was veri touched when he said he could give up his clubbing lifestyle just for mi.. but i dont wan him to change bcos of mi.. I know not many girls can stand that their other partner is so into clubbing.. For mi i find it ok.. yes sometimes i do have weird feelings cos u nv know wat might happen.. But after a while, i will be ok cos i trust him.. veri contradicting isnt it.. haiz.. I am nuts.. i dont know wat i am toking abt..

I know he dote on mi alot.. For the past week, i have been reflecting on my own personality.. I am so sick of myself.. i know my temper is getting worse.. I know he's really giving in to mi when i experience problems in my life.. To the extent that i was veri lost n sad that i wanted to give up..

I think both of us experience unhappiness in this relationship.. Sometimes i just wondering if i am too petty or demanding.. I told rh that i do not expect anything from him.. Just some respect and a basic responsibility that he can account for his own actions thats all.. But all in all, of cos we had our happy times..

Ytd i went out wif my bro's frens.. Jeff said sth that i feel is quite true.. He told mi all relationships dont come easily..

But I dont wan him to suffer bcos of mi.. I really just hope that he stays happy.. so no matter how hard it is, i will give up.. I am tired.. i can no longer be sure that i will make him happy..

I had a super bad day at work.. not only was i feeling very unstable.. I start to feel stress at work.. All the managers were pushing more and more sop for mi to complete.. n their attitude wasnt veri good.. i was pissed off.. damn pissed off that i nearly cried..

n i am irritated by a colleague of mine.. he's so blur until he made mi do double work.. i really nearly went berserk when i got to know of this.. The QA manager is a computer idiot that the files i saved for her in the floppy was all lost ! n i had to re-do it.. haiz..

seriously all these are nothing compared to how i am feeling now.. suddenly there's no one beside mi to hear mi out, to dote on mi, to feel angry for mi..

i miss him so much alreadi..

Happi birthday to my brother !!!

Yesterday i went out wif him, kengyang, dehua & jeff to celebrate his birthday.. before that, i met up wif rh, wee, beng, charlene, hc n lucas for dinner at the suntec steamboat buffet.. i know i was being a little attitude towards him.. but seriously, i realli am confused la..

after which i waited for kengyang to fetch mi to some ulu pub to meet up wif the rest.. n i surprised my bro with a birthday cake ! lol.. n then is drinking n drinking la..
n i am pissed off with a stupid guy there.. its like my bro give him a piece of the cake.. then he dont wan say dont wan la.. keep forcing mi to eat.. siao de.. i nearly wanted to scold him man.. ji dan..
in the end all of us went to kbox.. n sang our hearts out ! haha.. realli siao siao de.. all so emotional.. n my bro just ko there..

went for supper before going home.. i was alreadi veri tired n a bit seh.. cos i got bluff by the stupid jeff.. qi si wo.. nvm..

today.. is a boring day.. i dont know wat to do.. i realli feel like confronting him.. but i know i should give him some time lo.. arr.. dont know la.. fed up..

This whole week sucks for mi...

I hate going to work.. it seems that for this week.. the managers are all in their pms moods.. and all of us got scolding for no freakin reason.. ya.. i admit most of us are slacking away.. but its u ppl who didnt gave us anything to do.. why? cos u guys just dont trust others but urself..

n when things arent going ur way.. u all start to throw tanthrums saying why arent we all not helping.. why are all of us doing our own stuffs.. its a team effort.. so it cannot be accomplished by just a few persons..

I am damn pissed off.. i shoot back at her... i know i shouldnt do tt.. but its damn unreasonable.. and when i shoot back.. she has nth to say.. why? cos she herself knows it isnt our fault.. she just wans to push the blame to us cos she has nothing to show the boss..

n shall i say that u guys are so damn inefficient.. just a few documents takes days n weeks to vent thru? just a few documents takes days to write?

what did they do? they throw everything at mi.. y? cos i am the onli one who is better in writing both english and chinese.. I am not a translator lo.. if u wan a translator.. go hire one.. can u imagine how difficult is it to translate chinese chemical terms into english.. u guys are manager lo.. so managers are supposed to know it all isnt it? if u all cant even do this.. wat makes u all think i can?

I am damn fucking pissed off.. but i stil manage to complete them.. i finish all the documents within 2 days.. mind u.. its 2 days onli... n they can give mi the excuse that as managers they have alot of other impt things to settle.. ya.. impt things like e-shopping? playing msn? how impt is tt ! yet, they say all these documents are impt cos its for the gmp.. shit u ppl.. if its so urgent, why arent u guys putting everything down to do it..

after i done the documents, they just cleverly took it to present to the boss.. n if there is any error.. they would say it is kaixin who did it.. fine.. if the big boss is to come look for mi.. i will make sure all of ur deeds get published out man.. ji dan lo..

so mani irritating n hypocrite people present in this company.. n now my whole production manager wans to quit.. n christie wans to quit too.. grrrr....

*******************
other than working n working.. i am stil worried about him.. i went shopping wif charlene.. n spent a bomb man.. i tok to ronghua n wee... but i stil feel veri lost.. its like some impt part of my life is suddenly gone..

i have to admit i wasnt in my right mood this whole week.. tears could find mi at any odd timing.. even when i am super busy wif work.. they just come.. n i know charmaine is experiencing the same thing as mi.. i cant be there for her..

but i am happy that she contacted mi when she was facing problems wif pax.. so both of us ended up crying while toking abt our situation..
girl.. i hope u solve things as soon as possible k.. i am not going to advise u on wat to do.. i know u urself know wats best for u.. so if u have made up ur mind.. stick to ur decision.. i will always support u de.. =)

ytd i tok to him.. i picked up alot of courage to just pm him.. and i finalli know wat he is facing.. i wanna help him.. i wanna be there for him.. but i dont know how.. cos i dont know wat are we now.. i am veri lost.. nevertheless, i was feeling veri happy when i went to bed last night.. n yes.. i slept soundly thru the night....

Know wat i feel like doing now... I feel like disappearing from the surface of earth... He's stil angry with mi i know.. n i know he's veri unsure.. Whatever he said to mi last night stil churning around in my head... its really veri hurting..

wee wee, charlene gal n agnes thanks so much for coming all the down to look for mi... n beng for talking to mi thru the night...

it sucks to be sick at this time.. i just reached home n i can feel my temperature rising.. going to rest soon ! haiz..

whats wrong wif mi? why did i have to shoot back at him n walk out of the room? sickening...

n i made so mani ppl rushing down to look for mi.. realli sorrie..

things are not going well for us.. for mi also.. why of all times i have to be sick, causing mi to be easily frustrated..

i dont wan him to be unhappi bcos of mi.. i know i m tie-ing him down..
i think i lost the determination to fight on..

I wanna complain !!! this been one whole week since i last saw my dear... stupid army make him slog so hard that he dont have time to slp.. so shitz... -_- n next wed he so suay got duty cant go zouk wif us !!! arrr.. i really wanna complain !!! ji dan... where got so unfair de.. everything also kanna him.. zzzz

he called mi one of the nights n said he felt veri miserable cos he neglected mi and he wanna cry le.. pengz..
i was dot dot dot.. speechless.. realli veri touch that i cried myself to slp..
Cos the thing is that i did not think much as it was part of his job, n to think he felt so terrible abt the whole thing, kept apologizing..

anyway.. this past week is working n working n saving like shit.. cos i m seriously super broke., never been so broke in my life b4.. so hc n cs' present got to wait le..sorrie guys.. hee.. realli no money ar.. waiting for my pay.. muahaha.. =p

finally...

i stil wanna complain !!! idiots.....

I know its late to say it.. but i am thankful for all those who remembered my birthday in a way or other. I was shocked when elaine, beng, dill, rh, wee, cindy & spenc got mi the brown roxy shorts ! They actually got it right ! n I was so pleased that Hc, Charlene & pupu(he has a new thai name-prataraponk, muahaha) treated mi to a feast of Fish & Co.

Other than that, Cs treated mi to sushi tei !! Damn yummilicious !! n tt poor guy accompanied mi to a whole day of shopping.. Xin Ku Ni Le.. He got mi a veri veri veri veri nice adidas jacket.. Yipee n delicious Godiva Chocos..
Char n cp celebrated wif mi at taka.. Short meet up but hilarious scene.. haha.. They got mi a beach towel in a baby jumper suit (damn kawaii) and a green crutch.. Thanks alot girls !!
n Lastly, my dearest got mi my levis lady jeans !! Though there weren't any celebration cos he sick but i know he did try extra hard to get the present n put everything tog w/o mi knowing, but he failed.. Muahaha..

Anyway, all these weeks are working n working.. The moment i reach home i ko.. Its frickin tired.. n now my dear gonna work on weekends.. equal lesser time for us.. never mind la.. I actually am glad that we sort out the difference alreadi.. =)

I know i am alittle hard to please at times. I was thinking whether if i was being selfish or just plain sensitive.

I felt disappointed again. Is it because i expected too much? I dont know, i dont seems to be able to answer that myself. The same problem happened over and over again. I voiced it out before but i knew that no much attention was given to it. Am i being too petty? Because of it, i feel so insecure. I talked to my mom the other day and she questioned me, is he the one for mi? I cant answer it. I just kept quiet.

I am getting more afraid. Not because i might lose him one day anymore, but because i feel the stress present. Lotsa past disputes due to mis-communication. I opened up. I said wat i felt in a pleasing tone but what i got back was some frustrations.

Yes, i was moody the past 2 weeks due to infection i got. But my frens seems to care more. I just dont understand why. I am too tired to do anything. Happi Belated Birthday to myself. . .

A summary of the whole week?

Erm.. Let mi see.. Everyday's been working n working n working.. But something to be happy about, I changed my job ! Although the pay isnt good, but I m realli hoping that i can learn alot from the job.

Monday, Tuesday n Wednesday were my last days at LTA so i had to hand over my duties to the new girl. I think i m being really paitent ! Explained to her several times but she took a long time to understand the basic flow. Still i teached her paitently cos i wouldnt wan her to get scolding from the stupid boss..
Other than that, I am damn suay lo.. Haiz.. was down wif some infection, went to the doc and it cost 40 plus ! so ex.. The results i got wasnt good, actualli it was bad.. tsk.. Have to go back for a second time check up again.
Dear came to fetch mi after work on Wednesday ! When i know he was fetching mi, i realli couldnt wait for 6 o'clock to come soon. But well, as usual, time passes by so slowly.. Haha, he did brighten up my day though.

n Thursday's my first day at the new company ! But the plant manager's not going to be around for thurs and fri, so i was given a task to do within the 2 days. Well, the task was to draw the plan view of the whole production area. I tot it was easy at first until i went to the site, the stupid production area is damn big ! The whole damn day i was in front of the com drawing the view using Microsoft Paint lo !! Ji dan.. My shoulders and arms were aching at the end of the day. Faintz.

However, on Friday, everything's much better. After i completed the drawing, I just went around the production office to disturb the engineers. Haha, I requested them to bring mi to see the lab and explaining to mi the whole process. Later on in the afternoon, I witness them fixing up the granulation machine. But i am machiam the supervisor, using eye power. Haha..
I am so glad i went into the production team, cos the office ppl are so hostile ! Its like they have gold bars in their mouth lo, cant even smile de. and the only time they did open their mouth was gossiping abt the R&D manager, cant stand them. So i have alreadi decided, i plan to gain and learn as much as possible after a few years before jumping to a better company. Muahaha.
After work, i met up wif wee, rh and rh's bus girl. Lolx. She's realli veri friendly and nice. Cindy joined us later and hmmm, well, i dont know how to explain the situation. lolx.

Saturday; i am supposed to acc dear to work, but haha, i was slping like a pig at home. lolx. Went over to his place to help him pack bag before going to meet the rest at pasir ris for esther's chalet.
Basically, we all were entertaining ourselves la. Haha. got mi, dear, cindy, wee, rh, beng & elaine. Chatting, watching tv, drinking, fighting, etc - thats wat we did there, except for the fighting part la. Cos that involves onli mi n dear haha. Like wat rh say, we were engaged in our world fighting with each other most of the time.
After the chalet, we went bugis for lunch and acc elaine to sim lim in search of her ipod mini. Sadly she cant find anything so all of us went our separate ways. I went over to Dear's place n ko there, till he prepare to go his dinner then i went home.

n now, i am going to replenish more of my beauty slp. Tml's monday !! gotta work again.. so sian ! Haix..